


The Abandoned Baby Problematic

by speakingwosound (sev313)



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-11
Updated: 2014-07-11
Packaged: 2018-02-07 02:31:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1881765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sev313/pseuds/speakingwosound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The baby's left on their apartment stoop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Abandoned Baby Problematic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Untherius](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Untherius/gifts).



> Written for Untherius for the 2014 Not Prime Time Challenge. 
> 
> This isn't _exactly_ what you asked for, but I hope you like it anyway!

They find the baby on girls' night. Which is unfortunate, because Amy's a biologist and Bernadette has maternal instincts in spades, and they might prove useful in this situation.

"Still not answering," Leonard sighs, slipping his phone back into his pocket. The baby's staring at him from her carrier, all blue eyes and tow-headed, and he sidesteps her as he makes his way into the kitchen to make tea. It's going to be a long night.

"Bernie said something about a male strip club," Howard says, without looking up from his own phone. 

“A _male_ strip club?” Leonard asks, slowly.

Howard waves his away. "What? We have nothing to worry about. All the dancers at those things are gay, I checked it out on the way home from work yesterday." Howard pulls down the edge of his turtleneck. "Got the hickey to prove it."

Raj crosses his arms, sinking back into the couch. "You didn't invite me?"

Howard rolls his eyes, like it's the most obvious answer in the world. "If you had been there, they would have thought we were a couple, and they wouldn't have felt comfortable telling me things."

Raj watches him for a few more long, calculating moments, then uncrosses his arms and smiles. "Nice thinking."

"I'm hurt that you don't trust me." Howard clicks on a link on his phone and groans. "It says here child services doesn't open until Monday."

"That's true," Leonard agrees from the kitchen. "When I was seven, my mom did a bed-wetting experiment on me and I tried to run away, but it was Saturday and family services was closed. I spent the night with the homeless community under the bridge on 43rd."

"Why didn't you just return home when the shelter was closed?" Raj asks.

Leonard shrugs. "The homeless were much more welcoming than my mother. It was actually a rather pleasant evening."

"Someday," Sheldon says, turning in his desk chair to catch Leonard with a stare, "you're going to realize what a truly remarkable woman your mother is."

"That day is not today." Leonard finishes the tea and hands out mugs, before taking a seat next to Raj and watching the baby suck on her fist. "Although, at least she never left me on the stoop of a random apartment building."

"Exactly." Sheldon nods, decisively, drinking his tea and rising to stand, with his neck bent awkwardly, to stare at the baby.

She starts to cry.

Sheldon takes one, large, halting step backwards, spilling tea down his t-shirt. "My Friday shirt," he complains, glaring at the baby and turning to head into his bedroom. "Now I'll be one emergency-shirt down for the month."

"Ignore your Uncle Sheldon. He's not good at going with the flow." Raj reaches into the carrier to offer her his finger.

Leonard snorts.

The baby bats Raj’s finger away. She doesn't stop crying.

"I say we call her Selina." Howard offers, from his space in the furthest corner of the couch.

"Catwoman, nice." Raj nods, approvingly, wiggling his fingers until she - Selina, apparently - finally grabs his middle finger and pulls it into her mouth. Raj shivers. "Sticky."

She starts crying again, now that Raj's finger is gone.

"Please, sir, restore order."

"Sticky," Raj repeats, holding his finger up and waving it in the air.

Sheldon makes a face, then turns to Leonard. "Leonard, we stipulated an acceptable decimal level in the roommate contract. This is above that level. I'm giving you a strike."

Leonard picks the baby up. She wraps her fist in his t-shirt, staring up at him and scrunching her face up into even louder sobs.

***

She hasn't stopped by the time the girls stumble in after girls' night.

She's in her carrier on the coffee table, Howard rocking her with his toe, Raj asleep against his shoulder. Leonard's in his chair, eyes glazed over, and Sheldon's nowhere to be seen.

Bernadette's the first to enter. "They stole a baby," she calls back down the stairs. The sound of Penny's footsteps stop on the third floor landing.

"Oh, thank god." Howard rubs his eyes and pushes the carrier towards Bernadette.

"Uh huh." Bernadette shakes her head. "What's done on boys’ night stays with boys’ night."

"We didn't-" Leonard frowns. "- _do_ her. We just, found her."

"Fine. What's found on boys’ night stays with boys’ night."

"Bernie-"

"No way." Bernadette turns on her heel and leaves. Across the hall, they hear Penny's door slam.

***

"Oh, she's still here." Sheldon frowns at her from the hallway, his noise-canceling headphones hanging around his neck.

"Where was she gonna go?"

Sheldon shrugs. "I was hoping you'd be able to overcome your inferior intellects and figure out something. There are three of you."

Leonard turns in his chair. "I don't see you with any grand ideas."

"Well, it's midnight." Howard interrupts, wiping his hands on his pants and standing. "And that's my cue to leave."

Raj stands, too. "Cinnamon will be worried about me."

"Guys," Leonard starts, but they're already halfway to the door. "Guys, you can't just bail-"

The door closes. Selina starts crying. 

Leonard points at Sheldon. "It's your turn." He slams his bedroom door before Sheldon can object.

***

Leonard's iPhone blinks 4:00 am in bright, neon green letters. It takes him a long minute to remember why he passed out, in his clothes, on top of his sheets. His mouth doesn't feel gummy, and, with a glance at his hip, he's pretty sure he didn’t get a tramp stamp. So, not drunk enough to blackout, then. 

Leonard sits up, rubbing at his neck, a little disappointed in his non-drunk self. 

Then he remembers Selina.

He debates pretending that he slept entirely through the night, but that seems like a dick move and, more importantly, he's pretty curious to see if she's still alive.

Very quietly, he opens his door and tiptoes into the living room.

Sheldon's asleep on the couch, his head in his spot, headphones over his ears, with Selina curled on his bare chest. There's a printout - _Top 10 Ways to Get Your Infant to Stop Crying_ \- on the coffee table. From _Parenting Today_.

Leonard snaps a picture, sends it to the university list serve, and goes back to sleep.

***

Knock. Knock. Knock. "Penny." Knock. Knock. Knock. "Penny." Knock. Knock. Knock. "Penny."

"Sheldon, it's six am."

"Simba's crying." Sheldon holds her out, under the armpits.

Penny rubs her eyes. "I thought you decided to call her Selina."

Sheldon shakes her. "Have you not seen _The Lion King_?"

Penny shrugs. "Put it on the list?"

"Penny."

"Sheldon." Penny uncrosses her arms and reaches out for Selina. "And give me the baby, before her lungs climb out of her throat."

"Can that happen?" Sheldon hands her over, shaken this head. "That can't happen."

"No, Sheldon."

"I'll check, just in case." He leaves, before she can hand Selina back to him.

***

"I'm Ms. Summers, with social services."

"Oh." Leonard rubs his fist over his eyes. "I lost track of days, didn't realize it was Monday."

Ms. Summers smiles. "That happens, with first time parents."

"Oh, we're not her parents," Sheldon says, coming into the room, showered and dressed in his Monday shirt. "We found her. On the stoop of our apartment building. Her parents are irresponsible."

Ms. Summers looks taken aback for a moment, then nods, as if satisfied that they, at least, cared for Selina over the past few days. Or, that's what Leonard hopes she's thinking; she could be wondering how Selina's survived three days with Sheldon as her guardian. Might even be thinking about arresting him.

"Selina's, um, in the apartment across the hall." Leonard jumps in, before something bad can happen, and leading Ms. Summers over to Penny's apartment.

The apartment is a disaster. It's covered in food and dirty clothes and every piece of baby paraphernalia Sheldon and Amy could find at Babies 'R Us. Penny's hair is in a bun, flyways in her eyes, Selina bouncing against her hip. Leonard's never loved her more.

"Oh, ah, you must be the social worker." Penny holds out her hand, notices that it's covered in baby formula and jelly and pulls it back. "Sorry, I've just got her stuff here."

She points to the pile of blankets, clothes, disassembled crib, and toys that Sheldon had, semi-graciously, organized a few hours ago.

"Thank you." Ms. Summers reaches out, and Penny pulls Selina away.

"Sorry, just-" Penny pulls Selina close, then, closing her eyes, holds the baby out. Ms. Summers takes her, placing her in her carrier.

"Well, I'll just be leaving you to get back to your lives."

Sheldon bends down to kiss Selina on the forehead, and Leonard wraps his arm around Penny's shoulders as they watch Ms. Summers leave. Sheldon allows Amy to stand close enough that their pinkies are brushing.

"I want one," Penny moans.

Leonard eyes the apartment.

"Not, like, now. I have to keep this figure if I'm going to be a famous actress."

"Right."

Penny twists her fingers nervously. "But, once I've made a few movies, maybe I can take a break and have a kid."

Leonard smiles.

"We could buy matching maternity wear," Amy agrees, grinning and rubbing her hands together happily.

"Oh no. I've heard about 'baby fever.' I will not have something that can't clean up after itself in my apartment. Now, Leonard, we have TV to catch up on."

Leonard follows, but not before texting the picture of Sheldon and Selina to Amy. Sheldon already has the next episode of _Continuum_ cued up on the DVR, but Leonard hears Amy's hopeful exclamation as he closes the door.


End file.
